dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
