How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
