are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
