Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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