I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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