I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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