SEEEEXXX PLEASE
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
