Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
