So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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