Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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