Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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