I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
