True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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