I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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