420 ftw
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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