ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Pants are for mortals
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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