I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
