Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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