im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
