GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
