she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
