Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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