I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
