A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
