I cockslap morals
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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