well I can't set my house on fire every night
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
