I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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