She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
