I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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