Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize