my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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