If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
