Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
