I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize