4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
