I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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