My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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