all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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