she takes plan B like it's going out of style
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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