Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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