she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
