What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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