Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
