Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
