She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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