I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
