At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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