She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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