Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
