I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
