just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
