I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
