I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
