i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
