I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
