i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
