The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
