Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
