she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
