She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm at about main and main street
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
