i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
